Waiting Again

After having such a long hiatus from blogging, I decided to come back to writing out my muses. This time, it's because of a very disappointing reason. When I found out that I had first failed my exams back in October, I felt that the world has just crashed down on me. I felt I have let down everybody, and that included my family, Maria, and my boss. I told myself I would not do the same mistake again when I had another chance in February to redeem myself. Once again, I had to find myself at the same spot where I was three months ago - finding out that I had failed my exam, again, a week before I should have been officially notified. This time, the tears flow every now and then, but not continuously. Still the feelings are all the same. I felt I have let down my family, Maria, and my boss. I had to go through three months of hell of not being able to identify myself as a pharmacist to the public, and I have to find myself doing this again for the next couple of months. My mind is blank. I don't know how to break the news to my family. I don't know how to face my boss and say that I have failed again. I don't know how to look at the other workmates who have hoped that I would triumph the second time around and say that, it didn't work out again. It is fear. Yet it still has to be done, which hurts so bad. I could only look at myself and say that I was stupid for not performing the best of my abilities. I could find all the excuses in the world, but it would not stop me from thinking of how careless I was during the exams. This world is so real, sometimes you want to pinch yourself back into dreamland, to avoid the heartaches.

I have to brace myself for what would be the near future - and another four months waiting again for the right moment to shine. Third time's a charm? Gosh, this is so, so hard.